relapse

again.
I just seem to be in that place where it is too easy to just go back out. to spend a day bathing in the alcohol and slipping into painlessness. but then I awaken, and the pain is still here. I have all this fear. of what, I am unsure. I don't want to depend on anyone else. I don't want to reach out. I don't want to show my vulnerability. no weakness. just like at work. i'd rather die than ask him (M) for help. I  must reach out or I will die. plain and simple.

Doorway One

Return to the present moment.


pg 22, Mindful Recovery: A Spiritual Path to Healing from Addiction.
You can get overwhelmed by memories of the past, worries about the future, and other distractions. When that happens, you may be in danger of relapse. By bringing a gently, compassionate awareness to your surroundings, your thoughts, and your feelings, you will discover that your need to engage in addictive behavior diminishes.

Seeing the magic of the ordinary.
"The foundation of happiness is mindfulness. The basic condition for being happy is our consciousness of being happy if we are not aware that we are happy, we are not really happy. When we have a toothache, we know that not having a toothache is a wonderful thing. But when we do not have a toothache, we are still not happy."

 -Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace Is Every Step (1991)

I've often heard in the rooms of recovery, "If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you are pissing all over today." I know that is a nasty analogy, but it does make one think!

pg. 28

Enlightenment is not some thing that you can grasp and claim like a trophy. Enlightenment is being where you are, being present. Right here. Right now.

To be mindful is to be gently aware....Mindfulness heals the past and cares for the future in the only time in which it is possible to do this: the present moment.

pg. 29

Human beings are hardwired to avoid pain and seek pleasure....Addicted individuals see the easy way out. They learn to turn off their pain by dulling it, rather than face it, learn its lessons, and do something to make things better.

Mindfulness is quite different. Mindfulness is detached in the sense that our focus is not narrowed solely by our desire to seek pleasure and avoid pain. It is a warm, caring awareness.. it is compassion toward self and others. It is an awareness that finds dealing tin what is, and is not so completely occupied with what we think it should be. It is an awareness that is soft an open.

pg 30

Mindfulness is fundamental to the wisdom of the Buddha. In fact the word Buddha itself means "one who is awake," one who is mindful. The rest of us, who are awake only at times, are part-time Buddhas. Though there are many people who have moments of clarity and mindfulness, a true Buddha is one who is this way continually, moment after moment. The more awake you are, the more you can melt frozen behavior patterns that keep you stuck in repetitive, negative cycles.

Practice Returning to Now

Be aware of your breathing

     Urges: Handle with care - an urge is a signal: something is wrong, out of balance. There is something in your life that needs attention. Once you are aware, you have choices that were not possible when you were unaware.

     Facing Life - it is painful at times to look at what is and be present with it. whether "what is" means uncomfortable feelings, or a sense that one has had enough of something that brings pleasure. Because of this, we seek distraction, diversion, entertainment, or some sort of project--anything to move away from the painful awareness that what is not what we want it to be.

Reclaim the Magic

     Drugs don't have the magic, you do - I have the magic to relax, to be sociable, to be a sexual woman.

Establish Moments of Mindfulness

     In absolutely every 'chore' throughout the day, be present.

Stop Making Hope an Obstacle

     That is part of the future thing....I will be happy when....BE PRESENT!!!

Recognize Enough

     Devote at least one day to mindfulness of when you have had enough of something, and as much as practically possible, stop the activity at that point.

Big Idea: Remember the Miracle of the Ordinary

      

Food Binge

#1 on Sunday, an incident happened (family one, so I don't want to divulge the incident/person) and I was just in tears. My blood sugar was low, apparently, and I just spun out of control. We went to Applebee's for dinner. I ordered queso....for me only....for dinner. Ate the whole damn thing.

#2 on Monday, I screwed up at work with a federally mandated procedure and then my head spun out of control on the 'what if's'. I had myself exiled to Rio Grande! At lunch, one of my colleagues had cleaned her pantry of candy and snacks. I proceded to eat totally out of control. I have absolutely NO idea what I ate. It was a constant eating episode for 30 minutes.

I got right back on that horse on Tuesday (with the exception of the onion rings at lunch). I have been fine the rest of the week. I could have eaten less tonight at County Line....but it is what it is. I didn't eat more than one piece of bread...and I didn't have dessert :)

I have got to break this emotional prison I have made for myself. I need to do the work and get on with life. I am slowly killing myself with food...

Drinking Dream

Clear as day!
I had a plastic glass of beer. It was about 1/2 full. I took one more sip and then placed it behind the counter/bar. The bartender was Rick B. LOL and he said..."AGAIN?"

My best friend told me the evening before that she gave up on keeping track of whether I was drinking or not drinking. #1. that hurt #2. it reminded me of how casually I go back into drinking modes. Planned or unplanned. No big deal. Then the next bottom happens...and I'm back in the program. Wouldn't it just be easier to just STAY in the program??? Wouldn't I find that peace and serenity that passes all understanding???

Recovery

from the book, Mindful Recovery: A Spiritual Path to Healing from Addiction

pg 20:  For recovery is a process. It is a process navigating between complacency on the one hand, and self-recrimination and despair on the other.

So when a slip does occur, it is important to maintain a compassionate attitude toward yourself, seeing yourself as in a learning process rather than doomed to failure. You are human, and this is the way human beings learn. By bringing mindfulness to the slip, and what triggered it, you can form a plan to deal with that kind of situation in the future.  

pg 21: This book primarily deals with people in the maintenance phase. That is, it will show you how to build a satisfying and meaningful life without addiction once you have quit.  After contemplating quitting an addiction, after the decision has been made and implemented, there remains this tedious business of living without the alcohol or other drug. This part deserves special attention. For if you can build a happy, fulfilling. meaningful life, relapse will be much less of an issue.

Mindfulness

from the book Mindful Recovery: A Spiritual Path to Healing from Addiction

pg 13/14: Mindfulness is a quality of openness, of present—moment awareness and acceptance. Mindfulness is experiencing this moment, this very one, the only one that exists. Mindful living is not living in the future or dwelling in the past.  It is also not about recriminations when you find yourself in the past or in the future.  Mindfulness is about getting in touch with your spiritual essence, your true nature.

Mindfulness allows you to be open to your pain so you can learn its lessons and get your life back into harmony, into Tao.

Because addicted people get caught in unawareness, using drugs rather than face what hurts, mindfulness provides a gentle way to begin to face the pain.

Mindfulness helps in two ways:

First, by being mindful, by being aware of the state of your body, emotions and environment, you receive clear signals concerning what is out of balance and what hurts

Mindfulness also helps by putting you back in touch with the simple pleasure of being alive.

Pg 15:

...you fail to live the actual moments of your life because you instead are always trying to get some other, better moment. You never live, but you are always planning to live.

Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction

from: http://mindful.org/in-body-%2526-mind/mindfulness–based-stress-reduction/the-man-who-prescribes-the-medicine-of-the-moment 


Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction


People entering the program seem to be reaching a beginning much more than an ending. Elizabeth Berlasso, a long-time meditator and psychotherapist who has been leading MBSR classes for several years, says that people start out very anxious. “They don’t have a clue what to expect, even though we’ve given them a thorough orientation,” she says. “They are not scared of meditation per se. What they are afraid of, what they really are stressed out about, is what they might find—what they will discover in the quiet about who they are. At some level, people know they have elaborate patterns to keep themselves as far away from that deep experience as possible. Once they start, though, the most potent result they get from sitting still is that they experience kindness towards themselves in a way they never have before.”

Romans 12

I was lead to this reading on Thursday, December 30, 2010.

The passages that touched me were:

#1 to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God.

#2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.

#3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

#4 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Romans 12 (New International Version, ©2010)

Romans 12

A Living Sacrifice

 ¹ Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Humble Service in the Body of Christ

 ³ For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. ⁴ For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶ We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your^[a] faith;⁷ if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; ⁸ if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,^[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Love in Action

 ⁹ Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. ¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^[c] Do not be conceited.
 ¹⁷ Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”^[d] says the Lord. ²⁰ On the contrary:
   “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
   if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”^[e]
 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

My Hope

My hope is that I have a place to write out my increasing awareness of the world around me.

I want to have a place to keep quotes from material I am reading, things I encounter during my day, and a place to put a living history, if you will.

I am currently reading the following books:
How Al-Anon Works for Families or Friends of Alcoholics
Mindful Recovery: A Spiritual Path to Healing from Addiction

I have recently become aware that my life path was greatly shaped by growing up in a home with an alcoholic father. I have continued to react to life instead of live it. I have tried to shape or control many who are in my life and that is due to how I 'was taught' to live. When I read the Al-Anon book, I see myself as that young girl/young woman and how his disease spilled over into our family structure. Dysfunctional family is a mild term to use! I have absolutely no relationship to my brother who has used drugs and alcohol to cope with his life and my relationship with my mother is very strained, at best.

The reason I am reading Mindful Recovery is that I want to establish a more mindful approach to life and be an active participant: not someone on the sidelines. I have been a food addict for almost my whole life, using food to celebrate, soothe, smother and escape feelings of pain. I also have a problem with alcohol and do consider myself an alcoholic, especially with the obsessive and compulsive thoughts regarding alcoholic beverages. For me, food and alcohol go hand-in-hand.

Hope. I first started having hope about my food addiction about ten years ago. I purchased the Leslie Sansone walking tapes, hoping that I would be able to lose weight. That didn't really work. I have joined and re-joined Weight Watchers numerous times over the last 35 years. It works for a while, but then I gain it all back. I went to Compulsive Eaters Anonymous - HOW (CEA-HOW) two years ago and lost 70 lbs. That was working. But then I gave up that really restrictive diet, got out of the habit of journaling/answering questions posed in the program guide, didn't call my sponsor and started binge drinking again. I gained back 60 of those pounds. I have to do something different!

A friend said recently, "It's an inside job," I have to figure out what the pain is, deal with it, and get on with living. I'm hoping that working the program of Al-anon, establishing a meditative practice, and becoming more mindful of each and everything in life I will overcome this food addiction and alcohol obsession.

Here's to HOPE!