Food Binge

#1 on Sunday, an incident happened (family one, so I don't want to divulge the incident/person) and I was just in tears. My blood sugar was low, apparently, and I just spun out of control. We went to Applebee's for dinner. I ordered queso....for me only....for dinner. Ate the whole damn thing.

#2 on Monday, I screwed up at work with a federally mandated procedure and then my head spun out of control on the 'what if's'. I had myself exiled to Rio Grande! At lunch, one of my colleagues had cleaned her pantry of candy and snacks. I proceded to eat totally out of control. I have absolutely NO idea what I ate. It was a constant eating episode for 30 minutes.

I got right back on that horse on Tuesday (with the exception of the onion rings at lunch). I have been fine the rest of the week. I could have eaten less tonight at County Line....but it is what it is. I didn't eat more than one piece of bread...and I didn't have dessert :)

I have got to break this emotional prison I have made for myself. I need to do the work and get on with life. I am slowly killing myself with food...

Recovery

from the book, Mindful Recovery: A Spiritual Path to Healing from Addiction

pg 20:  For recovery is a process. It is a process navigating between complacency on the one hand, and self-recrimination and despair on the other.

So when a slip does occur, it is important to maintain a compassionate attitude toward yourself, seeing yourself as in a learning process rather than doomed to failure. You are human, and this is the way human beings learn. By bringing mindfulness to the slip, and what triggered it, you can form a plan to deal with that kind of situation in the future.  

pg 21: This book primarily deals with people in the maintenance phase. That is, it will show you how to build a satisfying and meaningful life without addiction once you have quit.  After contemplating quitting an addiction, after the decision has been made and implemented, there remains this tedious business of living without the alcohol or other drug. This part deserves special attention. For if you can build a happy, fulfilling. meaningful life, relapse will be much less of an issue.

My Hope

My hope is that I have a place to write out my increasing awareness of the world around me.

I want to have a place to keep quotes from material I am reading, things I encounter during my day, and a place to put a living history, if you will.

I am currently reading the following books:
How Al-Anon Works for Families or Friends of Alcoholics
Mindful Recovery: A Spiritual Path to Healing from Addiction

I have recently become aware that my life path was greatly shaped by growing up in a home with an alcoholic father. I have continued to react to life instead of live it. I have tried to shape or control many who are in my life and that is due to how I 'was taught' to live. When I read the Al-Anon book, I see myself as that young girl/young woman and how his disease spilled over into our family structure. Dysfunctional family is a mild term to use! I have absolutely no relationship to my brother who has used drugs and alcohol to cope with his life and my relationship with my mother is very strained, at best.

The reason I am reading Mindful Recovery is that I want to establish a more mindful approach to life and be an active participant: not someone on the sidelines. I have been a food addict for almost my whole life, using food to celebrate, soothe, smother and escape feelings of pain. I also have a problem with alcohol and do consider myself an alcoholic, especially with the obsessive and compulsive thoughts regarding alcoholic beverages. For me, food and alcohol go hand-in-hand.

Hope. I first started having hope about my food addiction about ten years ago. I purchased the Leslie Sansone walking tapes, hoping that I would be able to lose weight. That didn't really work. I have joined and re-joined Weight Watchers numerous times over the last 35 years. It works for a while, but then I gain it all back. I went to Compulsive Eaters Anonymous - HOW (CEA-HOW) two years ago and lost 70 lbs. That was working. But then I gave up that really restrictive diet, got out of the habit of journaling/answering questions posed in the program guide, didn't call my sponsor and started binge drinking again. I gained back 60 of those pounds. I have to do something different!

A friend said recently, "It's an inside job," I have to figure out what the pain is, deal with it, and get on with living. I'm hoping that working the program of Al-anon, establishing a meditative practice, and becoming more mindful of each and everything in life I will overcome this food addiction and alcohol obsession.

Here's to HOPE!